you know i think i knew the answer even before i was done writing....
i just didnt want to admit it.. i mean i was disapointed whenthere wasnt something physically wrong with me. it's funy you knw, i just thought i had it together for so long and i dont want to admit failiure, which is obscene because i know a person can only take so much and i've been purposely taking on so much for so long... i really thught i was emotionally invincible, even while i was having some of these problems like the concerts. we'd be driving and my hands would tingle i was so excited. i'd tell myself i just feel things more, anything not to admit a possible problem. anytime anyone else would drive i would worry they were gonna kill me, i'd think i dont trudt other peole, what wrong with that, they're other poeple. but thats not normal...
i'm gonna call a therapist on monday start some weekly sessions. you know last night after writing that i realized about the time this started in Nov, i was thinking about my birthday in Feb. 1
one more step to being old, dying, not being useful anymore i think this my mid-life i really do it's been pre-occupying my thoughts over those months, i mean i'm sure all the other stress contributed, but it was the straw that broe the back you know?
man... i hate this... why couldnt i ust buy a hot rod and date some young girls like every other guy.... it's just not me... it makes me angry.
thanks... you know.... i just need someone to hear, to care.