Hi everyone, I hope everything goes well for all of you in this coronavirus period.
Sorry for the long post, but I kinda needed to write down my troubles on paper. It helps a bit.

As for me, I've been suffering from depression for quite a while. Like many things, this is something you can live with for a long period of time. Depression and self-loathing are almost like a familiar friend.

Due to that depression, I slowly isolated myself from the others so being confined is...pretty normal for me. I was mostly doing that before, rarely getting outside apart to go to school.

However, it has been quite a long time since I had any dreams (what I want to do, etc), any ambitions and thus any motivation.
So, all I tend to do is to stay on the chair, in front of the computer. Getting, maybe not more depressed but certainly not less depressed.

There are things that need to be done, and I will certainly do those things at the last minute when I will be backed against the wall.
I always did so, it does give me a boost, but I am not living my life, it's my life forcing me to move.
That's no way to be happy. I don't think I have been in a long time.

And well, not having any desires for myself is kind of a problem.
The only thing I managed to more or less find any motivation for is self-studying Japanese. (And it took me years to find said motivation!)

Unfortunately, I don't have any clue on how to get those desires (and thus the motivation) back.
I'm sure I once had them, but I can't recall. In a perverse way, a part of me is fine the way I am.
Alone, in front of my computer, looking as life passes me by.

In short, I am a calm mess with no desire and motivation, and I would like to change yet I fail every day and I feel bad about it.