I had a moment last week where I forgot for a bit and was happy (playing music and dancing while cooking), then I kind of crashed afterward and almost felt worse. I told Dr. T about it, and he seemed a little puzzled at first, that I'd have that reaction. He said it almost seemed like I felt worse than before I had the happy moment. I agreed. Then, he warned me that this was a bit dark, but it made him think of a past client. The comparison actually made sense to me, and it felt like T was understanding what I felt in some way. Even if he was understanding through an experience with a past client, if that makes sense?

I've had a few happy moments since then and didn't have the same level of crash afterward (told him about it last session), so maybe it's just the first that feels so awful?


He did joke, "Well, obviously the solution is to not have any happy moments." He quickly added, "That's terrible advice!" I said I could see in some ways how it might be better, that if I just stayed in this state of "this is just my life now, and it sucks" to not forget about what's going on, would be easier to keep existing. Instead of the ups and downs. But I also realize I need to find some moments of happiness/escape in order to get through (and I'm trying to find them).