I asked him for an earlier session yesterday. He didn't have any, and said If I didn't want his earliest wenesday one a session on thursday it might not be possible as he was busier.

He read the thing I had put in my whatapp bio. " being a human is literally the hardest thing to be."

I said it was from a song and played two mins for him.

I asked if he saw my display picture and said my sister had drawn it. Then sent him a few images of her work.

I told him I was angry at him for giving my old tuesday session to another client. I was going to quit and that he should look after the ones he has before finding new ones and that if I was a T i'd have an extra slot just for emergencies.

He said it wasn't for another client, but that I didn't believe him. That I needed him yesterday and would have seen him anyway if he hadn't changed my slot.

I said first world problems. He said it was important to me.

He said that was a good idea.

I told him I didn't care if I lived or died from CV and told him that I was ill.

I said I didn't feel safe.

He asked why?

I said I didn't trust him.

If you don't love me or trust me why don't we end now?

Do you like being adored? Why do I have trust you?

It was about pointing out faults in him. I said no- how could i look after other people if I was so messed up?

Then he said I would make a good T and that made more sense. That I was projecting onto him.

I said it wouldn't be fair on my clients if their shrink was going to kill themselves.

He didn't think that happened. Sent him a link.

Sorry can you repeat that? I zoned out.

"I know it's your time, but if you want to waste it by sending me pictures and zoning out"

I burst into tears.

I know i've been complacent with boundaries and maybe I encouraged that ( my sister's stuff + the link ) but you keep wanting to step over them.

I can't even see you for a start.

I turned my camera on.

I can put on a good show. Are you happy now?

Do you think I like seeing you like this?

That I was supposed to be in a zoom class at 11am that's why I originally said I couldn't do the 10.30 slot.

Why didn't I tell him before? How long were my classes going for? We could arrange another time.

I said because I needed to see him.

I just carried on crying.

You also think I'm a waste of space.

"Don't be silly."

I said that I had tried.

He said time was up.

He said bye I didn't reply and he logged off.

I don't feel like I was in a good place just to be left like that. I wanted him to pick up on the suicidal thoughts. I feel shamed.