Something dawned on me. Actually two things. First of all, life itself has no purpose. Maybe a lot of people experience that epiphany at some point in their life. And one response would be to opt for a Sartre-esque solution of creating my own meaning in my own life. I thought of that. But that led me to the second grant revelation: apparently, nothing brings me joy - apart from seeking male attention. And I have no idea how to proceed from here. Now, I literally no longer know who I am or what I should do, because what is the point either way? I am empty. I am meaningless. I am trite. My whole life has no meaning, no purpose, no greater significance.I am not depressed. I just have no idea of what to do now.

After almost 27 years, I realized that I have no purpose in life, my life is completely meaningless, and the only thing I have ever strived for is to get male attention. I am a succesful career ******, I have a lot of achievements for my age (I don't mean to brag) but all of that has only been done for the sole purpose of being perceived as attractive for men. I want to buy an apartment because of men. I want to publish a book so a man can find me more interesting and more unique and more alluring. I want to be succesful and gain fame because, yes, you guessed it, so men would find me more appealing. I worked a lot in the humanitarian/govermental/security field and I've always thought that I actually did it to help people, but it's not true. I've always only done it to increase my level of attractiveness for men. I know it doesn't work like that, and I feel so stupid and shallow, but it is honestly my real motivation.

This realization has also made me understood why I have struggled so much in finding love (and still hasn't). I am healthy, I am pretty, I am smart, and dare I say charming (again sorry, I really sound terribly obnoxious), but somehow I have sabotaged every single attempt of finding love, because deep down I know that if I end up with a man who loves me, then my whole life is pointless. Then I have no drive for anything. I am pretty sure that it'll mean that I'll never ever find love.

After realizing that I am engined like this, I have really started noticing just how often I think about it. How all my actions are bound to this stupid, shallow, impossible goal. I really want to opt out BUT HOW?!

I don't know why I am like that, and I honestly feel deeply embarrased for being so extremely shallow. After realizing that life itself bears no purpose nor meaning, I tried thinking about what I enjoyed doing. It was all related to male attention.

I don't even know what I am writing, it's a stream of consciousness to get it off my chest. But I have really been thinking and I have no idea of what to do now. I feel paralyzed, because how could I ever move forward now. What do you do when you understand that nothing in your life matters and your only drive is actually super, super shallow? How do I change? And to what?

(Excuse my English btw, it's not my first language)