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sarahsweets · Apr 17, 2020 at 05:21 AM

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Originally Posted by dadof3plus1

She ran into an ex-boyfriend from high school about a year ago. This past December she met him for lunch and to catch up. During that meeting she and him realized they was a strong connection between them (he has medical issues and so does she so definitely some connection with their situations). My wife said it was like a soulmate connection that she could not ignore. She continued to secretly meeting with him and talking to him via social apps so that I could not see what was going on. It did lead to her kissing him but that is as far as it went - I trust her on this detail.

I am sorry if I am too cynical and I am not trying to be insensitive but this is wrong on so many levels. How do you know she just ran into him? Many times people start communicating with exes via social media or the internet and then they "run" into each other or meet up. I find it hard to believe that she never saw him or communicated with him after all this time and then abruptly ran into him, met him for lunch and instantly began an affair.
I also think its possible that more went on than kissing. It doesnt really matter if it was kissing, sexting, actual sex or whatever. Its an affair. Someone who secretly meets someone (essentially lying), is someone who could also act on their feelings and has already proven that they are willing to lie about the relationship.

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At some point she realized this was all wrong and was working to try and close this out on her own and was having issues closing it.

There should be no issue "closing it". The answer is end it and get into couples therapy if you want to save your marriage and trust her again. And now with televisits it may actually be easier to see someone because we are locked down and have more time.

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I discovered what was going on and called her out on it a month ago and she admitted to it all.

How did you discover it?

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It felt like a bomb went off in me and I reacted badly by making it all about me - my hurt and pain - and demanding that she cut off all communication if she valued our marriage.

Of course it felt like a bomb went off! Its terrible! You were making it about you because it IS about you. Your hurt and pain is valid because she cheated on you. And demanding she end it is perfectly reasonable and something she should have zero issues with if she loves you and wants to stay married to you.

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She has told me that she would be stupid to leave me and our family and she loves me very much. She was/is trying to figure out what caused these strong feelings and knows she needs therapy. She does feel that she needs to talk to this other man to figure out what is causing these feelings.

Nope. Absolutely not. I am not trying to be harsh but do not buy that story of needing to talk to this other man to work things out. There is nothing to work out. Especially if it was a situation of just running into him. If she thinks talking to him is going to help her figure stuff out then her priority is already not you. Who does this and then tells the person they cheated on that they need to talk to the person they cheated with in order to gain clarity. It doesnt make sense.

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I am not in favor of this as I think it will just cause more confusion - I have asked her to start therapy before she does this and ask her therapist for advice.

I am really struggling with why you are accepting her actions and behavior-and even considering the fact that she should talk to him but only after therapy. What is the therapist for? How would you even know what the therapist would recommend? She could say the therapist told her she should talk to this man, or see him or communicate with him and you would have no idea. And no, I do not think you should take her word for it.

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I am also finding that I am starting to distance myself from her as I am tired of feeling hurt. I want this thing closed out and want to move forward with our marriage but my patience is running out. She is stating she needs more time with the world situation right now.

Seriously? She is using covid as an excuse for not immediately ending this and blocking him? And its completely understandable that you would distance yourself. How old are your children?

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This other man does have a partner of 19+ years but not married and no children. My wife is in her mid 40's and does deal with depression and has a number of issues with her parents and childhood emotional issues and to be honest is going through a mid-life crisis.

Well this would also be poor judgment on her part because if he is cheating on his long term partner he could easily cheat on her if say- you got divorced and she stayed with him. She should never trust him.

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I think this other man is just an infatuation and escape from reality and our problems.

Infatuation is for teenagers. She is a grown woman who is cheating.

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We are going to seek couples therapy and hopefully the therapist can do some individual therapy too. I will not give up on the marriage but scared I might try to protect my feelings and push her away.

Am I reacting the right way here? Any advice?

I really think you need to get into therapy asap regardless of what she says she is doing, will do or should do. You need someone objective to tell you what to do. You need someone removed from the relationship to help you see the danger in the situation and you need someone who is helping you look after your own best interests. In fact I do not think you should think about marriage counseling or her individual counseling until you get your own. Do not let the pandemic dictate how things are going to play out. The good thing is you should be able to see someone soon because no one can go anywhere. I know I am passionate about this, and blunt and direct and I do not mean to be harsh. I am just...floored that she would want to handle things this way.