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Hey everyone...I posted earlier that I didn't have nightmares of the actual abuse done by my father... Please do not read further if you know you will be triggered!!!
Well, I woke up a bit before 4am, with a lot of pelvic and bladder pain. I often suffer from those. I have somatization, where I translate my feelings into painful bodily sensations.
I dreamt of my father, much taller, bigger and faster than he is, at least from the last encounters that I remember, and in my nightmare, he was coming from the entrance door that he broke through, right at me.
I do not remember that I ever saw him like this in real life. But I knew in my dream that I am not mistaken, and that what I was about to see really happened. You see, I also have dissociative amnesia, that prevents me from accessing some memories, or making sense of some others...this was the first time that I saw anything like this.
Anyway, he grabbed me, and held me...I do not need to be explicit here, I just want to describe that feeling that holds me stuck here in trauma time, and that feeling is bad enough as it is.
It is the feeling when you want to give resistance with all your might, but your every movement seems so feeble and insignificant, as if you are not moving at all. And I know that I am giving resistance, I am not passive, I am just too small and too frail to make any difference. Like my arms are spongy, and his arms that are holding me are made of stone. There is no comparison between the strength of a child and of a grown man. And yes, I become a three-year old child in my nightmare.
I can feel the heat from my anger that is climbing up my neck, and cheeks, to the top of my head. I feel as if my head is going to explode from mixed rage and inability to do anything to stop him. I know this rage so well. Whenever someone, later in life, tried to restrict me in any physical way - get in my way, or tease me and does not let me go from a certain situation, usually in a playful way - I would become wild...It didn't happen often, but these situations were the only occasions I would become physically uncontrollably defensive, even violent. As an animal who found herself cornered...I only now understand why...
Thank you if you read this, and I am sorry if it was awful...
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