Hello feralava: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. And thank you for bringing your concern here to PC.

Honestly... I don't have the answer to all of this. My personal opinion is that this is the kind of thing people sometimes work with mental health therapists to figure out. I think it's likely to take some in-depth "soul-searching" to figure out why you feel the way you do & what it means for the rest of your life. No one but you has those answers. You're going to have to find them for yourself by digging down into your past, as well as your psyche, & figuring out what it all means for you.

There is such a thing as existential depression. (Perhaps you've heard of it?) Maybe that is at least part of what's going on here. Another possibility, I suppose, might be what is referred to as "childhood emotional neglect". Or perhaps there was something about your relationship (or lack thereof) with your father growing up that caused you to be so focused on seeking male attention? You might also take a look at the concept of attachment styles. I don't know. I'm just throwing out ideas here. I'm not a mental health professional.

Here are links to a dozen articles, from Psych Central's archives, that touch upon the subjects I've raised:

What is Existential Depression?

Childhood Emotional Neglect: The Fatal Flaw

Invisible, Powerful Childhood Emotional Neglect

Fathers, Daughters & Learning Self-Esteem

Daddy Issues: How Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers Can Cope (Part 1)

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recov...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recov...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recov...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recov...issues-part-5/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...oes-it-matter/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-ch...relationships/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.