Bit of an update. Been taking a break from posting while I process some things I've been thinking through, and reading, and more recent events.

First off, the day after my last post, K and I had a very satisfying lovemaking session. And what a relief that was. I dunno how apparent it was, but I was losing my mind! I never really understood why some people struggle to focus or think while they're being deprived of sexual relief... I now think I can relate. Before, I was always free to relieve myself when I had the need, I'd do it regularly, sometimes two or three times in a day. But when I was abstaining for that long week... sex was pretty much ALL I could think about for the last couple days, especially being cooped up with K with no real distractions (like work, and I think I would have even struggled at work). Now, after we'd made love, it's like a fog has been lifted. My thinking has so much more clarity, I can focus better... it would be unbelievable for me if I wasn't experiencing it.

Now I'm starting to see a cycle in my sexual patterns. After sex, I can go all day without thinking much about it, and the thought doesn't occupy much of my thinking power or time spent pondering it. It starts like this, and then slowly ramps up for the next few days. Day three (yesterday) after sex, it's on my mind, but manageable. I can still focus effectively on tasks and problem solving, but it's very much there in the background. I suspect if this continues, by day five of abstaining I will be having very frequent thoughts about... anything sexual. And the urge to masturbate will be almost constant. Right now, I'm hit by the desire to masturbate every few hours, especially upon waking in the morning. It will be interesting to observe how things go from here (if a bit maddening). Also, for some reason, discussing sex and sexual things, like on here, helps me manage my urges. It's like getting it out in the air instead of cooped up inside me keeps it from brewing and bubbling over into relapses.

During the last day before I got relief, and in subsequent days as I've had access to the computer, I also went on a bit of a dive into the Sexual and Gender Issues forum, looking for any clues or answers as to how I can manage our disparate libidos, and in turn maintain my abstinence from porn and similar content. I've identified at least one problem I need to work on, and that's my communication.

My communication is abysmal, and even borders on abusive (though unintentionally). I have some bad habits I've developed and I need to start working on correcting them. For example, when K and I get into an argument (and I do this in other relationships), I tend strongly to shut down and not say anything, the silent treatment. This will persist until K finally says something out of frustration that gets me to break my silence, usually in counter-productive manner. I'm probably going to start a couple new posts, one in Relationships and Communication, and another in Sexual and Gender Issues, to help keep this one focused on helping me manage my addictions, and to get better focused input on those more specific issues.


As for how I'm doing on the addiction front... still going strong, though I've had a couple close moments admittedly. During the last day before relief, I was going batty with need! I'm still not sure how I even abstained from masturbating, but I did, and I'm glad I did. Though I want to find a way to limit how often it gets that bad, because that bordered on unmanageable. And last night, I almost had a relapse while playing a video game and K was sleeping next to me. I wanted to click into a browser and look up a fave erotic story of mine that I used to use for imagination inspiration (think roughly 16th-17th century BDSM/Non-con with privateers and public punishment/exhibitionism. Hits so many of my likes/fetishes). I resisted, but barely, and that was by reminding myself of how disappointed K would have been if she woke up and caught me, how hurt. So last night was when I recognized the signs that my need is ramped up again. If I don't get relief over the next couple days, it's going to get much worse. And by day 6 and 7, I'll be thinking about nothing but sex, sex, sex. I hope I can find a way to communicate my needs to K and that we can come up with a suitable solution. Fingers crossed.