It truly is a one step at a time matter and I'm proud that you are holding strong. Communication is such an important thing in any relationship. I have a very difficult time with people who are "my way or the highway" types or the kind who just gloss over your needs. I think that is great that you had that insight. Only with good introspection can we hope to see why something is not going right and fix it. It sounds silly and simple, but I found that switching to the "I" statements when discussing needs and issues really helped. I can really empathize with what you say about putting up a wall. I learned that from my dad and I do the same thing. When I feel my husband's Crescendo of Doom beginning, I start to dig trenches and harden bunkers for the coming onslaught. He has gotten better, but most times he's a steamroller, unable to process disparate information and unable to listen. He has an agenda and that is to win the fight. I go underground and start the guerrilla war, striking at the flanks and rear since a discussion or a head to head confrontation will not work.

I hear you on how the mind steadily moves towards sex. It's a human need and some need it more than others. Sexual pleasure is a foundation of my emotional well being and I think about it a lot. I draw a lot of inspiration from video games. I hate to admit that my Skyrim game turns into a Harlequin Romance, bodice ripping adventure in my head.

Give this some good thought on how to communicate what you need. It's important. When I was introduced to BDSM it was trust and good communication that convinced me to give it a try.