So, I have just been feeling really down lately. A lot worse than usual.

I always feel hopeless and like everything I do is pointless. These feelings way me down to the point of making my arms feel heavy. I feel like I want to do things but everything is so pointless that I just don't. This makes me avoid schoolwork (especially since there is online school now), and I am behind on my classes. I never do basic things like shower more than once every few days because I just feel like everything is pointless. I will always be a failure no matter what, so what's the point of even trying anymore? I fail almost everytime I try to make good habits and become a better person, so I find it pointless to continue trying. I feel like there is no hope for me and that I will always be a loser.

I get really annoyed and angry very quickly. I get so angry that sometimes I like scratch my neck out of habit as a way to release the anger. It's not necessarily unwarranted anger but just excessive anger. Like, not getting 3 stars on a game is something that is fine to get frustrated about, but if you get so angry to the point of wanting to cry over it or throw your phone, then it's a bit over the top. This is just an example though, don't think I am a petty person with petty issues because of this. It's not necessarily the game/losing out on rewards that makes me angry, but the feeling of being a failure for not getting a perfect 3 stars. This applies to pretty much everything else in my life.

I also avoid reality a lot. Part of the reason I don't do things like schoolwork as much is because it requires me to think more than just like watching youtube. Everytime I do things that require thinking, I start thinking about how much of a loser/failure I am. A lot of the time I even think these thoughts while doing things like watching YouTube, but I try to push them away to avoid feeling sad. I spend a lot of time avoiding emotions and avoiding facing past trauma.

Overall, I just feel sad almost constantly. The only way I can avoid feeling this way is by watching youtube or doing other mindless things, but even then I can still accidentally start thinking about things that make me sad. I feel like life has no purpose and that there is no hope for me. That I will always be a failure. I always feel like I am being a disapointment. I also feel like I can't talk to my parents either. My dad would probably think I was being weak and my mom thinks that people choose whether or not they're happy. Not that my mom is necessarily wrong, but she fails to realize that people react to things differently and that it's hard to be happy when you feel there is nothing to be happy about.