I don't know as there is a lot I can offer with regard to the situation you describe. But I noticed you had yet to receive a reply to this thread. So I thought I would write one. Perhaps there will yet be other PC members who will have some thoughts they can offer.
One thing I was a bit confused about was you wrote your wife is now putting more effort into your marriage than she has done in years. Yet you want to end your marriage because you feel it's the only way you can overcome your own problems & grow as a person. It sort-of reminds me of some of the lyrics to the sad song "Send in the Clowns" if you happen to be familiar with it:
"Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air,
Where are the clowns?"
Your wife at least appears, finally, to be willing to put effort into your marriage. But now you just want to put an end to it. I guess it wouldn't really be such a big deal except there are 4 kids involved. Personally my thinking would be that, if for nothing but the sake of the children, perhaps some individual therapy for you & your wife as well as some marriage counseling would be worth a try (assuming your wife is willing of course) before you "throw in the towel", so to speak. Yes, by divorcing your wife, perhaps you will discover a way to find yourself & grow as a person. But it's equally possible, I could imagine, you'll simply find yourself alone (either with or without the children) & find you're not any closer to really knowing yourself than you were when you were married. I don't know... it's just a thought.
Here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help with putting your situation into some perspective. I'm also including a link to Abe Kass's blog: "Surviving Infidelity" which you may find to be of interest:
Are You Ready For Divorce? 8 Questions You Should Answer
7 Reasons to Seek Marriage Counseling
When One Spouse Wants Out of the Marriage But the Other Doesn't
The Decision To Delay Divorce: 3 Ways Couples Delay The Inevitable
Want a Divorce? Stop the Emotional Yo-Yo and Be Clear About It
https://psychcentral.com/lib/kids-an...-tough-issues/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infidelity/
My best wishes to you & your family. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
