I may have to give up this role. He may have to go to a nursing home. Now would be a heck of a time to arrange that. I don't want him to die from COVID 19. However, this crisis may wind down. He's gotten a lot out of me. He never was big on being appreciative. Maybe I've done as much as I'm able to do.

I had this vision of him slipping away peacefully at home, with me gently tending to him. That was like a screenplay I wrote in my head. Life conforms to no one's imagined screenplay. It wasn't ever a very good relationship. It's not now. I'm very miserable, which may not even be due to what I'm doing here. Maybe that's just how I'm always going to feel . . . recurrently. I'm not always miserable. I have good intervals . . . just not lasting long recently.