The waters in this thread run deep Fuzzy. I greatly appreciate the way you question what so many others simply accept because it is what they are told.

CBT helped me to realize some of my thought patterns, but it did nothing to address the root causes that created those patterns. They stem from someplace deep and permanently shifting the way I think about those experiences requires a holistic shift.

For me, I needed to better understand the hows and whys first. I needed to see the patterns and how they played out spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. Simply shifting my thoughts felt lacking as it ignored several of the core components that allowed the thought patterns to persist and return for so long. CBT helped to change my emotions in the moment, but it was like I was lying to myself to a degree because I knew the core issue remained. To some extent that made me feel worse quite honestly.

I do not intend this to sound negative, but CBT taught me how to run. It taught me how to create separation from my pain. It taught me how to cope. Those skills can offer tremendous relief in a time of trauma or desperation. CBT can be a lifesaver when you have nothing else and you just have to free yourself from the prison of your mind for a moment. It helps me to stop myself from spiraling out of control and that is priceless. However, it was a stop gap that provided only temporary relief in most cases. My episode was percipitated by trauma I had previously run from to such a degree that I hid it from my own consciousness, and CBT felt like a different style of hiding. It wasn't enough for me.

Now that I'm in a more stable place, I'm teaching myself how to heal. That process has included what some might consider success and some may label as failure. I have bypassed traditional thinking on a number of levels and designed my own system that is continuously evolving. CBT is one tool of many and I'm applying the concepts in ways that work for me and ad value to my experience. I realize the transformation I seek will be a lifelong effort. It feels more genuine than what I was doing before. It certainly feels like 'real life'.