It's tough for sure. There's no easy answer

Just know that sex is normal. It doesn't make you a weirdo or anything to have fantasies, fetishes or desires.

The hardest conversation I had in therapy was talking to my male t about losing my v card. Growing up with deep sexual shame, it ate me alive for days after. At that session, I couldn't even look him in the eye and I kept apologizing. He handled it well and it just started to feel normal.

The best therapy session I ever had, was also that one. It helped me feel more empowered and took away the shame. I'm able to freely talk about my sex life now with friends. I hope that you can find a way to share this and just remind yourself, it will be ok. Best of luck