We’re going through therapy. Every time I ask for him to come to a couple’s session he says he’s not ready or it’s not time yet.
I think it’s because he doesn’t want to admit everything in front of our therapist. She sees us separately too. I’m being treated for CPTSD and sexual abuse as well as being neglected as a child. And now SAIT and betrayal trauma. I’m still in shock phase. I’m so devastated. My brain keeps asking why? Why did he do it? And how am I still with him?
I can’t seem to “get over it” like he asks me why I’m not yet. And it hurts. All he’s done to me for 10years of gaslighting and addictive abuse to my brain. I refer to my brain now as a separate entity sometimes as I don’t feel I can control it.
Just keep having pictures go round like a carousel in my brain. And questions shout at me. Why? How? Do I want to still be with him? I can’t look him in the eye atm, he disgusts me. I can’t sleep with him or I’m thinking every time he’s just getting his kicks or thinking about her or someone else.
It’s killing me. It’s taking over my life and I can’t stop spiralling.
Someone?
Anyone?
I can’t take it anymore.
I’ve told him I just want to pour bleach in my brain and forget everything.
I often think it’d be better for everyone if I was never born in the first place.