I mentioned in the check in a few days ago that i was upset that the governor closed the state and county parks and that my township closed our parks as well, and that masks were required to leave our houses (unless out for a neighborhood walk or on your own property). i think this is when my mental health started a slow decline. i panicked when i heard the parks were closed. every time i read the news i panic. my governor is saying we could remain in lockdown until july at the very earliest. and then what? other countries are reporting that when they opened back up, they are seeing a new spike in disease. so they have to close everything back down again. How long will this go on for? experts are saying a reliable vaccine won't be available for at least 18 months, possibly even longer, and then it will be hard to manufacture enough vaccine to distribute.

i am worried i will never see my grandparents again. what if they get sick? It is unlikely they will survive. i won't be able to go see them in the hospital.

this has all sent me into a claustrophobic, anxious rabbit hole. it's morphing slowly into depression. last week i was on spring break so i didn't have to call into work, so toward the end of the week i slept all day, even though my son was home. i literally felt chained to my bed. for a few days i couldn't sleep at night at all. i got so upset that i took 200mg trazodone and 2mg klonopin, way more that i regularly take. i was drugged for the entire next day. yesterday i was having a panic attack again and around 11pm i had to take more klonopin so i just dumped whatever was left in the bottle in my hand and took it. thankfully it was only 1.5mg. i am afraid i am going to accidentally overdose because i am so anxious/depressed and just want to sleep.

because of the depression it's causing my head to loop other negative things. i am constantly trying to figure out how much of my toxic relationship with my husband was my fault. i was trying to figure out if it was toxic or abusive and i have come to the conclusion that it was only toxic. however, there is one specific incident that i brought up on reddit because it is not forbidden there as it is on here and i was super upset by the responses. mostly because i never admitted to myself that it was what it was and the responses confirmed that it was as bad as i suspected.

i've just been in a completely negative spiral. i'm trying to pull out all my old coping skills but it's been so long that i don't even remember what they are. last night RS fell asleep super early so we didn't get to cuddle like we normally do for awhile so i felt even worse. but i didn't want to bother him. i'm being plagued with images that don't usually come until things are bad. i have urges to self harm. and i feel EVEN WORSE because even my safety net of IP is gone because of coronavirus. I know IP's are open but I read an article (there i go reading the damn news again) that many ip's are only functioning on a 50% capacity, patients are waiting in psych ERs for days without contact with family, Ip's have no visitors (as regular hospitals don't either), IP's are isolating patients instead of running groups, etc. I don't know. I don't think i would even need to go IP unless i became full on psychotic, and i have haldol for that. so i don't see why i'm so freaked out.

I "see" my therapist tonight so that's good. i have a pdoc appt sometime in may but i don't think she can help me anyway except prescribe more klonopin. i don't know if there's anything else to try for sleep and/or anxiety.