Hi All,


Does anyone here suffer from delusions regarding SH? My Regular T and my Pastor T both told me I am having delusions regarding SH. I kind of don't believe them, but then I am starting to believe them because why would they lie to me? I mean, they are there to help me, not lie to me. But then, it's sort of hard to trust them because what I am seeing (which they said is hallucinating) goes against what they are saying.


This is what is going on. For a long time now whenever I cut myself, there's black gooey stuff that comes out of my skin when I cut along with the . The black gooey stuff evaporates but if I haven't cut in a while it gets built up in my arms and that is why my arms hurt even when I haven't hurt them. This is also how I know where to cut because I can feel the build up of the black gooey stuff under my skin in my arms and that is where it needs to be let out.


My regular T was like what caused the black gooey stuff and Pastor T was like how did it get in you? So I said it's all the bad stuff that I've done that gets collected and clumped together and cutting lets it out. Trigger for Christianity .


My Pastor T said to look up what tar would do to the body if it were ingested, not that I think that is what happened. And I don't necessarily think it is tar that is in me, just that is the closest thing I can think of to describe it. He wants me to be able to rationalize this away. He said he has worked with other "cutters" (I hate that term btw, I much prefer self harmers) and none of them have ever said anything about the black gooey stuff. I do have Schizoaffective disorder which means sometimes I get hallucinations and delusions along with having a mood disorder--in my case depression--so it is possible this is a delusion, but I think it is equally possible that what I see is what it is.


Anyhow, can anyone out there relate? Am I talking crazy? Hope someone understands what I am saying.


HUGS All, Kit