oh, Christina, i just don't know why it's bothering me so much. I know that my SIL brought up the possibility of abuse with her own husband numerous times, and i have scoffed at her because my husband used to do the same ****. And then i made a reddit account, mostly to look at a couple specific subs, but then i started expanding. there were so many posts in relationship advice that sound exactly like my marriage, where the general consensus from users is "that's so toxic, you either need counseling or to get out". but i just thought it was normal relationship stuff. i went online to research, and found a relationship spectrum, I was relieved to find that abusive didn't really explain our relationship, but he had almost all the traits of a toxic spouse. It's like my marriage blew up in my face.. everything i thought was either normal or annoying at best was worse than that. i had always had a feeling after meeting RS, specifically moving in with him, that maybe my marriage wasn't as good as i thought it was, but to see it in plain text was shocking for some reason.

I mean, it should have been obvious. we were two damaged kids getting together at 19. If i had a shred of self respect i would have broken up with him a year in after he became possessive and jealous after i went to live in the dorms. Called me every night yelling at me about how i better not let any guys into my room and i better not be studying with any guys, etc. I was supposed to go to london for a week with my honors group and he wouldn't let me because i might meet some guys. that jealousy never stopped.

we were a perfect match. i was subservient, quiet, always felt the need to smooth things over. he was explosive, petty, and had a way of guilting me into seeing everything as my fault.

the best way i can describe it is from a book i read numerous times. it's called get me out of here by rachel reiland, and it documents her journey through therapy for borderline personality disorder. over the course of her therapy she vehemently denies being abused as a child, until the therapist gave her an analogy that makes her realize that she was indeed abused and her whole world falls apart. that's how i feel.

i have worries that RS will slowly morph into a monster. my husband didn't show his true colors until a year in. what if RS locks me in and I destroy him with my mental illness? my illness surely wasn't the cause of my husband and my bad relationship, it was bad from the beginning, but it made the last three years of our marriage a complete **** show. of course, so did his secret addiction. it was too intertwined to pull out who was in the wrong. we both were.

there is one specific incident, that i cannot get into on this forum for fear of triggering someone, that has been causing me considerable anguish, because if it is true (i'm pretty sure it is, but I am steadfastly refusing to see it that way), i just...i don't know what to do. last night i was up until 3:30a screaming in my head he (blank) me, he (blank) me. i thought i was about to explode. i need to bring the incident up to my therapist because i'm not finding clear info and the incident just keeps gnawing at me and has been for months now, before the quarantine even started.

i gave RS my sleeping pills and klonopin last night to keep on his side of the room. i took 100mg of trazodone and 1mg of klonopin before bed, hoping it would help me sleep, and gave him the rest because i knew i wouldn't take the chance of waking him to get more. good decision because my head was just cycling back and forth between thinking of the incident and thinking of taking the whole bottle of klonopin to put me to ****ing sleep.

i think quarantine just isn't helping. there's so much uncertainty in my life, in all aspects of my life, that quarantine just pushed me over the edge.