Yes you are right if live to leave the past in the past. I think it is just such a stark difference between my marriage and my relationship with RS.

I don’t think it was either one of our faults that’s our relationship was so ****ed up. We were both quite young, and came from ****ed up backgrounds. He met me while I was getting ECT in a psych hospital for Christ sake. It was just a shock to see it in writing.

I felt better about it after I talked to my therapist. I think I will feel better if I can reconcile the possible abuse as well.

I think being trapped in my house is having a negative effect on me. We got an email from our director at my job today quoting an article that in these uncertain times, it could bring up past uncertain times in a student (or adult’s) life. That would explain why I am all of a sudden experiences doubts about my marriage even though it’s been over for five years, and doubts about my future with RS (like when he sees the true me, because I can’t hide it forever, he will not want to continue the relationship). But I already texted my therapist and I am seeing her either today at one (if she gets back to me) or Friday. This way I can dump all this out on her and try to remain safe.