I think my husband is mentally abusive. He has never hit me, but has frequent angry outbursts and displayed demeaning behavior to me for example ripping the covers off of me and turning on the lights at 4 am because he found out I was late dropping the kids off at school one day, to making me go outside at night and scrub the kids chalk off of the driveway because he hates chalk art. He is always angry, everything bothers him. If I want to go somewhere, if we play too loudly, or if there is a mess of toys left out, if a kid spills a drink, when the dog barks ( he's forced us to give away a few pets because they are bothersome to him in one way or another) , someone put the thermostat out of his required range, if dinner is not on a plate ready when he gets home...he does everything perfectly of course. He is very intolerant of "mistakes"- not even just with us in his immediate family. Sometimes i really wonder if I'm some sort of extraordinary mess up or something... but when i look around in outside life- i don't think so.

He also does not show me any affection ever, never really has. We barely have sex anymore because I stopped initiating it because i don't feel like having sex with someone who is always mean and if I am never shown any affection until the time in bed where he expects to lay back and be pleased, i feel used.

I think he believes that because we have a house, and kids and in private school and "everything I want" that I owe something to him because that's what i hear from him when i ask whats wrong. I work as well and also i maintain all of the house and children and mental workload of the family. I feel am a good wife and mother and house keeper. We are good people, we don't have money issues or addictions or any other red flag issues i can think of.

When i confront him about being mean and mad all the time he says he is not unhappy and he loves us more than anything but, "what I am supposed to do, just sit back and let you mess up or do or have whatever you want and just be happy about it"?
I'd specifically like to know what or how to reply to that. That is my priority with this post. Any other insight would also be appreciated.
Thank you.