I talked to my therapist and told her the incident and she said it sounded horrible and traumatic. This calmed my mind because it solidified that I am NOT crazy and he absolutely should not have treated me that way just because I was his wife and he thought I owed him something. I still think I might be overreacting but I always think that, especially about traumatic events in my life. I asked her why it would come up and start causing panic attacks ten years later when at the time I just ignored what happened and got on with my life (I had a newborn, I had to). She said that sometimes trauma doesn’t start to feel like legit trauma until you are in a safe, mentally fit place in your life. So I am in a safe and stable relationship and I am in a good stable place bipolar wise. I have mostly processed my husband’s death (though I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive him for being an addict - sorry to anyone who is an addict). And it was all triggered and sent down the rabbit hole by reddit. The thought that my marriage had never been healthy led me to think about this one particular incident in more detail and allow the initial trauma I had buried to come to the top.

She gave me some ways to deal with it (other than getting stoned on benzos, which is my personal choice). So...I at least feel validated. Doing trauma work is awful but it’s doable. I’ve done it before.