I have Bipolar + psychosis + general anxiety disorder. Currently I’m going through a mood. What one who know?. I’m not sleeping well even when I take ambien. I want to spend money. I think my husband is an *** and secretly talking to my therapist. I’m not really taking my medication properly because it will make me depressed. I’m getting used to the extra noise in my head. Currently I’ve been up for 27 hours and not even close to being tired. I want to cut because it sounds fun. Haven’t showered in days and am wishing back my eating disorder.I’ve always been terrified that someone is going to kill me and people are talking about me. This means I make sure I’m never alone. If I’m alone at home I “hear” people breaking it. In public my anxiety spikes because I’m always looking for who’s going to kill me. The really messed up part the only way I know how to ground and “prove” to myself I’m okay is by cutting. Which it’s self can lead to acidental suicide. When left alone there’s about a 50/50 chance my husband will find me hiding when he comes home.

Yet I’m good at hiding. My family has no idea anything is going on. I lay down when my husband goes to bed and get up when my son gets up. I never lie though. I’m great at “knowing” the things I think are untrue but not being able to shake them anyway. The best news is my Psychiatrist is moving so I need to start with a new one.

So I figured I’m starting my journey again I should share my journey.