Been struggling the last few days with some issues. My depression is back, which has in turn caused my sleep schedule to be all over the place as I can't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning and then I just want to sleep all day. K doesn't let me, which makes me grumpy, but she's right not to let me sleep the day away. But, this has caused feelings of resentment in me, which have been compounded by my sexual frustration. Add on top of this one of my wisdom teeth coming in and causing me unending pain for the last few days, and well... I'm not feeling so great. That problem even makes it difficult for me to eat right now. We just had four feet of snow melt in less than a week, so the yard is nothing but slop. Can't even get the car down the driveway (because it's only a claytop driveway right now until we can get some gravel in). So trying to get any yard work and cleaning done feels like it only makes things worse at times. And I feel like I haven't gotten done any of the tasks I'd set for myself this month. So overall, feeling crappy as heck these past few days, and this has made porn look mighty appealing.

I even had a small relapse last night. I clicked onto the erotic literature site I'm so fond of, opened up a story. I got a couple paragraphs in before I was spooked by K rolling over in her sleep, which made me panic and click out of it. Felt like crap afterwards. I knew I'd have a relapse, but that doesn't make it suck any less. And even so, right at this moment that site is calling to me. I don't feel like I can talk with K about it, just the mere mention of it makes her angry. So here I am trying to hang on, distracting myself with this post.

I did, however, finally work up the courage and some words to say to K to try and communicate how I'm feeling, what with my sexual frustration and all. It was difficult, but I'm glad I tried. Difficult because I was forced to confront my own failings (yet again) and how they contribute to K's low libido being even lower. But, some good did come of it. We came to the agreement that it is okay for me to masturbate to help manage my needs. I didn't manage to convey all I felt I needed to convey, as our discussion became sidetracked and bogged down in other stuff, as it so often does, but we did manage that, and we didn't have a blow up, so I'm calling it a win in my book. I'll see how things go, and how well I do working on my problems that K brought up, and I'll try again to continue the communication. I feel like I didn't convey the level of my needs, that even when I've brought it up in the past, she didn't quite "get" what my needs are. She might not again, but at least I'll be trying. And I feel I need to work on better understanding her needs so that we've a more harmonious sexual relationship. She brought up good points that I need to discuss with her more.


In the meantime, going to be doubling down on my mindfulness exercises, and trying to get over my depression funk by FINALLY getting some stuff done around here, try to get back into some semblance of a sleep schedule. I feel that now I have permission to masturbate freely, I'll be able to manage that need better, and hopefully have an easier time getting to sleep.