Tonight's session was all over the map. She's leaving on vacation on Friday and will be gone 11 days.
I had a rough week - but things always melt away when i get to her office. I had paintings i brought in and she really connected them to words (difficult for me) and helped me to talk about them.
WIth her being gone i asked her to do a tape for me - she does these often for ppl but i found the first on (session #2) really triggering and we haven't done them since. But the visualizations have been going well, so i had hope. Well... i totally triggered in this one too. so i was sad knowing i won't be using it, and fearful with the triggers, and close to the edge of a flashback... none of which i wanted to bring up when the woman's leaving the state. I don't need to make my self that vunerable when there will be no help to be had.
Anyway, at the end i merely said thank you and wanted to ask her about some last minute things. But she said "I want to..... I have something for you...... on loan. Something you can bring back the next time i see you." Many here know that I have a very close bond with my MD and that my MD sent me to this T - evidently they are also very close and work together a lot. MD was just out of the country and T asked her to bring back some very special "healing crystals" that were blessed by [someone really important that i didn't catch the name of]. T said "I get the sense that one of these should be with you while i'm gone. It has my energy, and MD's energy... and the special blessed healing energy too. I have 4 of them, why don't you pick one?"
Sooooooooo much...so many thoughts came to mind right then i couldn't move! I thought of Soli's hippo, and somebody elses t-box, and my littles were panicked because we weren't allowed to touch anything as a kid without pretty hard punishment and have a really hard time picking anything up/taking anything. But T sat by the crystals patiently and looked at me expectantly. I know i mumbled some words (no idea what) and dropped from the low couch to the floor since i knew my legs wouldn't hold me and the table was close by. i picked the nearest one to me (a fat short one compared to the tall skinny others - so i know it different from my own "ordinary" crystals) and held it like a robin's egg in my hand -fearful of hurting it.... fearful of contaminating it with my own "baddness". Leaving, she hugged me... and still i had to ask a meds question since I still have no answer today about it... and i couldn't find words even for that.... she looked at me funny.... answered the question... said see you in 2 weeks (next scheduled time) ...and as i went out into the night (i'm her last patient and she kept me an extra half hour) i felt like i'd walked through the looking glass... holding this crystal in my hand... I put it in my jacket pocket to limint the amount of contamination it would get from me and broke down crying.
T had also talked of my growing trust... gosh it's just so fragile... so many ego states/parts to work with the thinking of.
It was a good session - and yet, i don't know where i'm at... make sense?