Interesting points. For me, feeling judged harshly is difficult, and can be disruptive/disregulating because of something (else) I think I lack -- or have not "achieved" -- a strong, healthy/realistic sense of self.

The comments about object constancy also point to an inadequacy and, hence, a vulnerability in the person being observed or commented about -- without suggesting or, better, really having something to offer the people so "observed".

To me, for me and the way I seem to be to be internally, a healthy sense of self can/would incorporate both poles of the "split". A constant me as well as a constant object? How to "achieve" that? And which comes first?

How to tolerate ambivalence seems to me the more fundamental issue. Can it be learned or developed if the person doesn't have it already? If so, how?