Hello Idontfeelenough: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I've made two serious (but obviously unsuccessful) attempts of my own previously. So I think I have at least some small inkling of what you're dealing with.

I wish there were some words of wisdom I could offer... something new & inspiring you haven't heard before. Unfortunately I don't think I have any. However here are links to 5 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of at least some small help. The first 2 are by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

Suicidal? Don't Throw Away Your Shot

Suicidal? What Van Gogh's Life Can Teach You

Words of Hope for Anyone Struggling with Depression

How Suicidal Thoughts Can Become a Coping Mechanism

How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts

And then, since you mentioned depression is your demon, I thought I would also draw your attention to this Psych-Central-supported website for people with unrelenting depression & anxiety:

https://community.projecthopeandbeyond.com/

Please take care. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.