I was very unhappy last night when trying to go to sleep. I felt like I couldn’t sleep again but also that I couldn’t take more pill because I had taken a lot during the day. It’s like i can only calm down and loosen my chest and the sick feeling in my stomach if I take like 2mg of klonopin at a time, but that makes me slur my words and ultimately pass out for a couple of hours. So that’s not feasible. Even though I don’t physically have to go to work I still need to wake up on time to jump on the conference call at 8am. And be coherent.

RS was quite worried about me because I said how unhappy and anxious I was. I was trying to turn my mind away from what I had just confirmed by focusing on my music. RS held me and rubbed my back until about midnight until I finally calmed down and didn’t feel the need to take the bottle of pills. I never confirmed with him that that’s what I wanted to do because I didn’t want to scare him. I wouldn’t have done it. I haven’t named a guardian for my son yet, I can’t leave him behind without someone I trust taking care of him.

I’m having urges to self harm but they are mild, I am so depressed that it seems like more work than it’s worth. I don’t have all the supplies either.

My therapist is checking in with me again on Friday to make sure I’m coping ok, and then I see her and my pdoc on Tuesday. I’m hoping my pdoc can maybe put me on propranolol for anxiety. Haven’t read too many people having success from buspar for anxiety. The rest of anxiety drugs seem to be ADs, which I need to stay away from.

I’m not sure how I feel. I feel kind of numb and drugged still, although it’s been almost 24 hrs since I took the meds. I just want to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.