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guy1111 · Apr 25, 2020 at 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@guy1111, I am going to offer a different perspective on this. A marriage involves compromises and sometimes even sacrifices in order to keep the marriage stable, happy and fulfilling.

I've read each of your posts in this thread, and the bottom line is: her behavior is HURTING YOU and it's in fact, harmful to the health of your marriage because you say her talking to single men effects how you behave in the marriage, ie, by distancing yourself more.

If you've expressed your hurt to her and she continues to behave this way, in my opinion she is being very insensitive to your feelings.

We cannot control or dictate whom another speaks with and we cannot dictate their friendships, but certainly, if speaking with single men HURTS you, my question is, WHY is she still doing this??

If I express something to my husband about how similar behaviors around other women effect me, you know what he does? He stops the behavior, out of love and respect for me. That is love and that is compromise. And we've faced this issue in many different ways. The way he responds is by respecting my feelings and wishes..

You yourself have made certain adjustments in your life or behavior because of how it effects her. But she's not giving you the same flexibility and level of caring in return.

Sure, you may have some issues to work on personally based on your past that you're working through, but she is pushing your insecurity buttons by doing this - and she is not showing that she loves you or respects you by curbing the behavior that causes you such pain.

In a marriage when we know that we are hurting the other person, ideally we adjust that behavior so we no longer hurt the person we love. That is what a healthy relationship involves. It means caring enough about the other person's feelings to avoid hurting them.

I also think it's pretty inappropriate for her to carry on interpersonal relationships with single men when in a marriage. To me it sends up a red flag. Does she seek out and need male attention from men who may desire her because they're single?

And WHY is she talking to these men about her body parts??? Does she want their sexual attention? Because that's what that will accomplish -- talking about her body with them will only make them want her more and it crosses boundaries.

So the question is for me is: WHY is she doing this and WHAT is she getting out of it? And why single men only? That also sends an alarm or red flag for me. Couples? Married men and women? That's one thing. So WHY ALL SINGLE MEN??? She's getting something out of this, and my most educated guess is she wants their sexual attention and desire. She is feeding off of it.

That's my two cents. I hope this somewhat helps you, I'm sorry for your pain, and I hope this gets resolved. Hugs to you.

I agree with you except I have to clarify. This will put me in a lesser light which is fine. I'm not trying to demonize her. But my main point remains true. She doesn't only talk to singe men this way. She is, like alot of women, very much into her body image. It is probably a source of self esteem for her, much like a man's job is for alot of men. I have made the distinction to her in order to try to help her out.

Our marriage counselor and my personal therapist and many other people have described a healthy tactic of having a codeword or signal when a partner is feeling uncomfortable about the conversation so the other partner can back out of or tone down the conversation. Then he or she can privately later on share their feelings. It sounds like your husband is the more outgoing partner and sometimes gets carried away in the moment. Very understandable.

My problem is that it's all denial. I've never once heard her say that she might have gotten carried away in a conversation. It's always that I am trying to control her. This is part of why I just let her decide everything now. She needs her freedom.