Hi guy111, thanks for sharing more about your wife’s behaviors so we can better understand the dynamics of her behavior pattern that keeps triggering you.

From what you have shared it sounds like your wife is actually very insecure about her looks and needs constant reassurance that she has value and is attractive. Perhaps she is uncomfortable with herself and getting attention from these different men helps her have a sense of value and gives her permission to feel a connection to her own physical presence

It sounds like your attention alone is not enough to fill that need in her. That can most definitely be triggering for a person that suffers from ptsd that experienced emotional neglect and abuse.

Yes your analogy about hating spinach and yet constantly being expected to eat it despite your feelings about it does reflect how your feelings and opinions were devalued and undermined and you were instead forced to eat it to satisfy your parents needs.

This dynamic can most definitely leave a person constantly wanting THEIR chance to have their emotional needs heard and respected. And the other challenge is feeling that if you do share what is bothering you what you share will only end up being dismissed and undermined and you will get answers of “just ignore it or it’s not that bad”. Even worse someone may say “oh that never bothers me and they hand you more about how they don’t see it as a big deal etc. when they are saying “it doesn’t bother me and I do this or that”. Again the response is about THEM and not YOU.

It sounds as though to keep the peace you end up giving in and you kiss your wife and tell her how beautiful she looks. That’s very much like eating the spinach anyway even when you don’t like it and would like your feelings be respected.

You end up in an emotional tug of war and the other person always seems to win. So you always have to be the good guy even when it hurts.

Does that sound right to you guy111 ?