So, was lying in bed praying last night, praying to have a less negative view of the galaxy. I freely admit to really struggling with thoughts that center around feeling and believing that a fairly significant part of my country's population of adults are just not good people. No real need for details, but I think it comes from a number of places--having been cheated on repeatedly, embezzled from, abandoned when I got really sick, discriminated against, and horrifically abused and tortured by a police department for two years. Sure it's more than that, but that's a start.

Anyway, as I was lying there last night and reflecting on how forcing myself to go for a ten-minute walk, despite my paranoia, had really lifted me--mostly because of the beautiful song of a little bird--it occurred to me that this was possibly all my doing. Why, I wondered, did I spend time thinking about these painful things and my, admittedly, rather firm belief that a sizable percentage of my country's people are just ethically and morally bereft, if not, outright evil, when I could be thinking about how wonderful it was to scuba dive in Fiji? Or how happy our absolutely awesome rose garden makes me? Or the squeals of happy toddlers at the playground? Or the fact that I had such wonderful times with my kids when they were little? Or how fortunate I am to be able to write? etc.

In short, why do I not focus more on these positives? Why am I so disturbed and angry about what I believe is misconduct when I see it? I'm not perfect, I have done some rotten things.


Anyway, was just wondering how other people balance out or make sense of these things. It would be so nice to be able to spend more time reflecting on the birds and the happy toddlers. I just need to figure out how to do that and to focus less on the evil I see all around us.