Thank you everyone....

I just feel.... like with the DID... it is always about integration.... and I just am tired of hearing that word trotted out as the fix all for my problems....
I feel I have gotten.. so very much help thru the years from my therapy.. I really have.. and am very grateful...

I have talked to my T about... things... about the "integration" thing... but he says things like "You, will feel differently the next appt"...

I realized that he is right..... mostly because it is "unacceptable" for me to express my frustration with life.. and with my eating disorder with him...

I also see a body memory massage T... for lack of a better word for what it is he does..
It is amazing work... and has made a huge difference in my life..

Yesterday.... I said: I have only so much energy - because of physical illnesses.. fibrom.. asthma.. GERD... and the eating disorder... like where "normal" healthy people might have a whole glass... I have maybe a 1/4 glass..

And he pointed out something to me... that perhaps I need to spend my 1/4 glass on finding things that make me happy... not.. on re-visiting the past...to focus all my energy on finding positive things... and the positive... would beget more positive things in my life...

and that hit me like a ton of bricks... that yes.. I expend my energy driving and getting to therapy.. 2x a week.. working on integration... and perhaps... that is not a positive use of my little energy that I have..

I am in no way "bashing" therapy.. I have found it very useful thru the years..

But.. my end goal is not the "integration"... so that when I am 100 - I can say ... yea.. I am integrated... I didn't enjoy.. what life I had left.. but I am integrated..