I just noticed this thread. I'm so sorry for your situation!
Our 22yo daughter was about 4.5yo when she was diagnosed with autism. It was mainly the rigidity and OCD that led the pediatrician to provide the referral. Back then, we would walk on eggshells to avoid meltdowns.
But even after all the interventions, today she and my wife don't get along at all. Somehow, I think my daughter mistook her mother's overbearing nature as abuse.
Gray rock is interesting. I think both my daughter and I do the gray rock now when interacting with my wife. But I'm trying to move beyond that to mindfulness and carefully responding to the words instead of the emotions.