I think that one of the challenges you have guy111 is that you think that if something bothers you when it comes to someone else’s behavior that is disrespectful then you lack self esteem. That if you make an effort to explain how your wife’s behaviors affect you emotionally and she dismisses it and it upsets you then you have low self esteem and it’s YOUR problem or fault. After all, isn’t that what the marriage counselor told you?

Well from what you have shared your wife has a little group of guys she interacts with that feed her ego and she has a bit of emotional affairs with them. That behavior is something that would bother a lot of people not just you. It would really bother me if my husband was engaging a number of younger single girls that he flirted with because they tell him how handsome and sexy he is. It would also bother me if some marriage counselor encouraged me to think it’s my fault that it bothers me. Or that if it bothers me I must have low self esteem issues. That’s BS.

The reason different members kept wanting you to explain what your wife was doing that’s upsetting you is to understand what you are addressing better.

One of the things I learned in reaching out for therapy while dealing with my older sister is each therapist listening to me explain different challenges I faced is they all said I am dealing with a disordered person and the two disorders each therapist came up with were that she is either a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder. Both of these disorders are individuals that tend to have control issues and they are both very manipulative and tend to create drama. Along with that is in both challenges the emotions are typically all about them in their own ways they tend to have fragile egos and tend to create a false self. And they can both be self righteous. And both are prone to rages and both a can give a feeling of walking on egg shells when interacting with them. And they both need to feel they are the best or superior. Also they both pull you into their dance. Also they can both leave others very emotionally confused and exhausted.

I myself struggle with ptsd and I can understand this challenge you are describing of wanting your emotions herd. Often the truth is that you are in a relationship with another person who is simply not able to listen and respect your feelings. Not being able to change that doesn’t mean you lack value as a person. Healthier self esteem isn’t about giving up your own emotional needs. It’s not about your lack to figure out how to get someone to respect your emotional needs either. That’s why a carefully written letter tends to fail when it comes to the other person deflecting. This is the dance step that other individual does.