Quote:
Originally Posted by guy1111
That's a really cool way of looking at it! I've learned to do that in areas that she just "bothers" me in. When she rants on me, it hardly affects me at all anymore. When I see the behavior coming, I immediately go into myself and think positive thoughts abot myself. Not her. Myself. I let just enough into my ears to only hear the overall issue she has. Like your author is saying, I used to have to "calibrate" myself to her mood. I could do it and come out undamaged at the end, but I was exhausted. As I learned to deflect with positive thoughts about myself I grew stronger and it took less energy. Now I can feel rested immediately after she has run out of steam. Then address her core issue without taking on any of the mud she slung at me. I feel like I'm made of glass. She throws mud, I wipe it off, pick it up, examine it and present it to her with love.
With the sexuality stuff I feel like I'm made out of a sponge. I immediately obsorb her actions and take them on myself and feel dirty and worthless. I then repeat her actions over and over in my head and feel worse and worse about myself. When I am calm I can recognize that it's just my past abuse and PTSD talking but it takes so long to come down from it. I am just now starting to feel ok about myself after her last triggering behavior 12 days ago. It drains so much of my energy. Like your author says, I must talk about it to her. I think after I finish this book on self esteem I will be ready to tell her how her actions made me feel. I can't let her reactions to my assertions affect me. This is the cycle.
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Can I ask you something @
guy1111? What kind of mud is she slinging at you over and over again? And what does she "rant" on you about?
Reacting emotionally in a seemingly negative way to someone ranting on you and slinging mud is not just because you have a past with abuse, or because you deal with PTSD. It's a natural emotional reaction to feel and to have in response to someone slinging mud at you. I am curious about the nature of your relationship dynamic and I am wondering and have the question in my mind of how healthy it is for you overall?
No one should be slinging mud in a marriage and/or ranting on someone repeatedly. Adults talk to one another and work out and discuss their issues together, in a fair and adult way. Sure, people may argue and fight even, but then a couple should be able to come to some sort of conclusion, consensus, compromise and resolution about the issue. Slinging mud is not part of a healthy relationship dynamic.
I also do not like that she tells you you're "controlling" when it's her own issue at play for sexual attention and sexual affirmation that she needs from other men. That's deflecting the responsibility of her own behavior onto you, and it's turning her problem now into your problem to solve. And here you are, wracking your brain trying to solve it for yourself, and feeling badly about yourself too. Although you've built up resilience it seems to her words towards you, a loving and healthy relationship does not involve hurting the other person over and over again.
Just some additional thoughts for you.