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Originally Posted by lifeSTYD
This is going to be a long post. For those of you who read the whole thing thanks, and for those who don't, still thanks.
Ok to start I got married a week before I turned 22. I had known her for 4 months, she was 19 and hot!! Unfortunately I didn't realize she was also extremely controlling, verbally abusive and just mean. I was told by everyone who heard her yelling at me through the phone the first few months that I shouldn't take that kind of abuse and should divorce her then. I stuck it out because I have issues of my own.
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First, your issues should not have made you feel like any kind of abuse was acceptable, especially when you had a support system trying to help you. You are
NEVER to blame for someone else's behavior
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Originally Posted by lifeSTYD
Fast forward 19 years, we adopted 4 kids seven years ago that are a sibling group through foster care and all the problems I had with my wife when I married her are now directed at the children, to a lesser degree thank God, but still there.
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The fact that she can even direct any abuse towards the children shows that she does not care who is effected as long as she gets her way.
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Originally Posted by lifeSTYD
About July of last year my wife started hanging out with an old co-worker. He is 20 years older than her and she started calling him Dad, they would go to his doctor appts together and developed a close relationship to the point where they were cuddling up on the couch when my oldest daughter gets home from school.
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Again, doing these things in front of the children AND you shows she had no regard for how anyone else would be affected. She brought a lover into
YOUR FAMILY HOME and flaunted him in front of your whole family with no shame or remorse
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Originally Posted by lifeSTYD
I called her out on the emotional affair it had turned into around Nov and had back surgery in Dec which meant I was home from work to watch this affair develop. She pulled farther away from me until I blew up and kicked her out of the house and told her I wanted a divorce. I let her come back the next day and we are currently in separate rooms.
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Telling her you want a divorce and then kicking her out was you standing up for yourself and your children. The fact that you let her come back, however, may have made her believe she could manipulate you somehow. This may be why she suddenly started acting like the charming wife.
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Originally Posted by lifeSTYD
My biggest concern is that she doesn't want a divorce and she insists on still acting like we are together. She is now putting in the effort for the marriage that she hasn't done in years.
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This is a technique used in MANY abusive relationships. It's called the
CYCLE OF ABUSE. Her being nice to you is the "honeymoon" phase, where she will try to convince you that she can change, and things can change - but they won't. It's only stalling the inevitable and she knows it.
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Originally Posted by lifeSTYD
I have self esteem issues that I have denied my whole life and I am trying to stay strong in ending this marriage because I think that is the only way to overcome my own problems and grow as a person and help my kids understand that they don't have to settle for the miserable relationship I have been demonstrating for them.
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It's not the only way to overcome your self esteem issues. You've suffered many years of degrading abuse, and now a blatant affair....but getting all that negativity out of your life is a good start.
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Originally Posted by lifeSTYD
So if anyone has some ideas on how to handle this situation I would be most grateful. Thanks.
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Focus only on your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children. Do not acknowledge her or give in to anything she asks for. Do not give her anything in writing or recording, but only accept things from her in writing.
She will get upset, livid, possibly destructive. People like her will throw temper tantrums if they don't get their way.
Don't even acknowledge that. If she becomes destructive, violent, or threatening in an attempt to scare you into giving in, just step outside and call the police. If nothing else, you can still file a report for documentation purposes that you can use in court later.
And start lawyer shopping. This shows that you are completely serious and she can't control you or change your mind.
Taking control away from an abuser is the ultimate payback.