I believe, given the history of abuse, that firm boundaries need to be exercised with the ex on your wife's part. Extended conversations with an abusive ex is contradictory behavior to getting a restraining order or court order, etc. against him. And WHY on earth would she even want to have any discussions with this man beyond what is necessary is my question and concern. And i hear you loud and clear -- I would be bothered by the behavior as well. What's also a tip off, a clue and an indicator that she may be getting sucked into his "charms" again is that she says she can't connect with you, her own husband, AND she's spending additional time on the phone with her ex. If that isn't a clue I don't know what is.

I would talk to her and approach her candidly about this. Obviously you cannot tell her what to do, but you can tell her what your preferences are, and you can ask her point blank what is going on with her, and why she is feeling disconnected from you. That may be a good launching pad for then discussing the ex and your own preferences, etc.