I see you actually posted this a couple of days ago. And you mentioned you had a meeting with your therapist scheduled for later in the day. I hope that went well & you were able to open up with regard to your concerns. (I know how difficult that can be.)

Of course I don't have any real answers for you to any of this. But a couple of things I noted in your post were your references to the dark web & to crime shows on TV. Personally I think one thing that might help is to simply not participate in, or watch, these sorts of things. Simply realize & accept that, for you, any of these kinds of things are toxic & you must stay away from them. It's not unlike a person who has diabetes who can't eat sugary stuff for example. And so, instead, fill your life with uplifting, positive things.

I know, in my own case, I just have to stay away from the news especially now with the current health situation. It all just freaks me out. I don't even know why. My wife watches the news on TV (as well as reads the newspaper.) When she turns on the news on TV, I just have to leave the room.

So take an "inventory", so to speak, of all of the things you have going on in your life. Commit yourself to shunning anything & everything that could have the potential to trigger the kinds of thoughts you're concerned about. Talk openly with your therapist. Develop a meditation practice if you don't already have one. Develop an exercise routine... (hopefully something you actually enjoy; because if you don't genuinely like it, it's unlikely you'll stick with it.) If you're not into the types of exercise activities most people pursue, consider developing a yoga practice or perhaps learn Tai Chi. There are all sorts of different possibilities just depending on what appeals to you personally. (I realize that, currently, with the health situation being as it is, it can be difficult to do anything that would require you to be a part of a group. So you may have to improvise for a while. But simply do the best you can.)

The thing is... the problems you're struggling with aren't going to go away by themselves. You have to commit to a conscious effort to change & become the person you really want to be. (Do you have an idol... someone positive you admire & could aspire to be like?) Throw out anything in your day-to-day life that you think could be contributing to the struggles you're having. And adopt new positive & uplifting habits & interests. That, it seems to me, is the way to way to win the battle you are waging. What a victory that would be, wouldn't it!