Hi everyone, I’m new here and this is my first time ever posting anything anywhere ever, but I need to talk to someone.

I am legally married for almost 20 years but have been separated for the last 6 years. I was the one to leave the marriage after countless times of him cheating. Every time I would catch him, it literally killed me and knocked me down as a woman. But we would ana he to work things out and days later, things were back to normal. This went on for most of the marriage.

I wanted to wait a couple of years before we would start having children, but little did I know we would struggle with fertility issues. People soon started asking when would we have children and to hide my struggles, I simply would say I wasn’t sure if I wanted any. Of course I did and desperately but it wasn’t happening for us.

Five years into our marriage, we moved into our brand new home and life was prefect. I had the man of my dreams, my one and only true love, a beautiful home, and we were still young enough to keep trying for children so it wasn’t a big issue to us why it hadn’t happened yet.

We weren’t getting any younger and we were 11 years married and no children at this point. Cheating was almost a monthly thing for him at this point. What I mean my cheating was that he would message other woman on social media and even had some profiles on some dating sites. I can’t say he actually had physical contact with any of them, tho he always promise he didn’t. I believed this man with my eyes close. I loved him and deep down I wanted my marriage. We soon started doing IUI treatments and after 6 unsuccessful rounds, we knew the next option was IVF.

The stress and desire to have children on top of me finding prepaid phones he used to text random women and to keep any record from showing up on the phone bill, I had enough. Thinking I was strong enough, I filed for divorce and moved out only to realized I still wanted him no matter what he done. He soon started taking woman home, going to bars, hanging around people we never associated with. The man I thought I new had done a complete 180. I no longer knew who he was. We stilled kept in touch and I even canceled the divorce. I moved back home and he was spending most of his time across the border in Mexico. We leave 5 hours away from the border. He began dating a girl who had two children and was recently divorce.

During this time, I found out he had refinanced the house, pulled his 401K and stoled his father’s retirement funds, and had leans against the vehicles we owned. And on every single document,’ my signature was forge! He even payed a notary public to have some of these documents with my forge signature notarized

Despite all this, I couldn’t bring myself to punish him. I wanted the best for him and somehow I felt responsable for parts of it. My family advices me to seek legal action and get what money I could but it wasn’t about money for me. It was about me wanting my marriage back. Remember, he is staying in Mexico for months with another woman and her children. At one time, he even called me and asked if I would send him money so he could come back across because he had been robbed at gunpoint in Mexico. And I did send him money and he cane back to the house. We stayed in different rooms and lived like two roommates. He did his thing, when he wasn’t in Mexico, and I did my thing.

We soon lost the house, the vehicles we repo, his 401K was now in Mexican banks and he want able to draw any cash out because they claimed certain information wasn’t correct or he didn’t have the required documents. Anything that would keep the bank from giving the money to him, was used. I moved with my parent and he moved in with his. We always kept untouched.

It has now been six years and so much in between has happened. New girlfriends for him have came and pass, and me waiting for him to get tired and come back to me. Try and have a child, maybe renew our vows. A new beginning for me and my true love. Just last week, he informed me that he had filed for divorce in March. I have been slowly dying and begging him to please not do it only to get no mercy. At this point I winder why I love him the way I do regardless of everything? What is wrong with me? I believe I will not survive this divorce.