A quick background.

Me, mid-forties, married to same woman for almost 20 years, 3 kids. Large extended family. Adult child of recovered alcoholic. Pretty over-responsible, and feel some anxiety or insecurity about losing people/relationships.

My wife has chronic illness, chronic pain and fatigue that onset in 2013-2014. Other chronic conditions prior to that. She grew up in a narcissistic home. She is easily emotionally injured. She is no contact with her family since 2017. She has had multiple false starts with her career and education since 2012, due to illness and economics.

Back in 2012 she found out I was looking at porn periodically on our home computer. This was devastating to her in a way that I never foresaw, and I regret ever doing it. I saw sex as something I was on my own to figure out... We routinely went 6-12 months with no physical contact other than me holding her, rubbing her back or her neck or something of that nature, so I accepted that sexual release wasn't something I could turn to her for much. I should never have lied and deceived her.

She is 100% devoted to me, but I feel she has never made my needs enough of a priority. She lives with major anxiety disorder and depression, which sometimes goes hand in hand with physical illnesses and physical pain.

Given the choice between doing something to mitigate her anxiety or looking after my feelings, on a daily basis, her anxiety wins every time.

We have not watched a movie or a sporting event of my choice once in the last 5 years. If I do those things, I do them alone. She has never taken part in any past time or hobby with me outside our home. I've given up past times and friendships in recent years because me taking time outside our home causes her stress.

Once in the last 3 years she said, "Would you like a neck rub? You must be tired," and that stands out because I have no memory of it happening before or since. She gave me a compliment on my appearance one day last year, and it was so startling I brought it up in counselling. I got one once so far in 2020 as well. She is complimented daily on appearance, on smarts, on parenting.

She has told me, many times, she doesn't crave sex because she has erotic dreams that satisfy her. Sex is something that happens because I want/need it, but she doesn't physically, and she doesn't need it emotionally.

She desires contact, not sex. And the contact is me touching or holding her, not the other way.

Things have shifted a lot around here since the pandemic. I realized that I have always been extremely attracted to my wife, and that I've hung on this long because I always felt like if I could get everything right, I would get the validation from her that I needed. Her validation removes my anxiety about our relationship, with sex being the ultimate validation.

Now, in this situation, I have realized a number of things:

- I'm not in touch with my family very much, as it stresses her out. She wants my complete attention, so I am not calling my elderly parents more than twice a week.
- We've been locked down at home for 6 weeks. She still complains daily that we don't have enough time together as a couple or as a family.
- I do way, way more than her. She lost her job. I am working from home. I am still the one making meals, grocery shopping, and home schooling the kids, doing laundry..... I knew her illnesses meant things were tipped in that direction, but the degree of it was never apparent to me.
- She mitigates her anxiety and pain by doing things that relax her, like artwork, for 3- 6 hours a day. Meanwhile I am doing my job requirements in less than 4-6 hours a day so that I can look after kids and house.. I am up 6 hours before her every day.
- The course she is taking online can be put aside for days at a time. On a day she decides to work on it, it is all consuming. She won't surface from our room for 10 hours or more, skipping meals, and skipping all other responsibilities because she is so busy and so anxious about this class.
- I will never have the validation I seek from her and I have to mitigate my own anxiety and negative feelings.
- No worry I feel will be as strong as hers. No illness or pain I feel will be as strong as hers. No loss I feel within my family will be as strong as her losses. I don't know what it's like. These are things she has actually said to me in recent weeks when I have turned to her.

Facing these last two things has changed our relationship dramatically. I'm not frantically trying to look after her or "get things right" anymore. I'm not trying to initiate sex anymore. The one-sided touching and contact doesn't do anything for me, so I've stopped.

In the last week, I've begun just sitting and letting the house be dirty at times. She's angry about it, but when she says something, I have pointed out all the things I've already done that day and that I'm ready for a break. Then I put on a show I want to watch.

She complains that the kids are up too late, and I point out they are on the same schedule as her. I can't look after them between 6am and noon when I am working so they sleep in and are up late.

She has complained about me not being around enough. I've pointed out I am still working and doing kids' homeschooling, that she is laid off from her part time job. At no time have I worked through the late afternoon and evening, even though those allowances are made for her course work or art work. At no time has she taken additional responsibilities so that I could work uninterrupted. I've pointed out these things.

I've told her what is behind everything I am doing. There is no "silent treatment" from me. I've told her, I will never have validation from her, so I am no longer worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing, or prioritizing her needs, or her anxieity, more than mine or the kids'.

I have been clear I want more contact and more intimacy, not less, that I want more positivity, but this one sided stuff is done, it's over. That was a few weeks ago. I've not her a positive or complimentary comment, or gotten a positive touch from her since.

I have also confronted, quietly to myself prior to this, that doing all these things may actually cause her to leave me. If so, then I am trying to accept that.

I feel less anxiety, more healthy, like this. I'm scared, but I feel less inner turmoil than I have in years.

I'm a good person. I look after the people in my life, emotionally and physically. I'm good at my job. I'm good at being a dad, a husband, and a son. I'm not waiting to hear it from my wife anymore.

RDM