Anxiety and depression has always been a concern for her, as well as some chronic health issues. Truly, on a daily basis, if I need some down time, and she is dealing with her anxiety, looking after the anxiety takes priority.

I knew that since the start, and accepted it... In sickness and in health, right?

She had a career she left over 12 years ago to be home with the kids more. She hasnt been able to restart.

She used to be far more receptive to my family. Once she went no contact with hers, it felt like too big of a disparity, so she began requesting less and less involvement with mine.

She also took increasing issue that I shared stuff about me, my work accomplishments and our family with my parents. Honestly, I did those things because I wanted a little positivity, and a little moral support. So, I stopped sharing stuff like that about 4 years ago.

Most of the positivity and moral support I receive now comes from my team at work. We're good to each other.

My wife views my actions as cheating, truly. She regularly talks about my infidelity and cheating. I have never interacted with a person in any way... not a call, text, email, lunch, nothing at all, not a flirt, not an innuendo, . .Nothing. We've gone as much as 3 years with no sex, but I've hated myself, deeply, for viewing porn.

When I have said that to her, she has pointed out times I went to lunch with other women.... Yes, business lunches, with 3 to 10 other people there, men and women both, as a requirement for work.
Doesn't matter, I had lunch with other women.

As a dad, I have never missed a practice a game, a concert, or a teacher meeting. I get them to the bus every morning, and pack lunches, and do home work and night routines every night, by myself. When they are or were scared at night, they came to my side of the bed.

I accepted my workload was and would be higher because of illness, but I always just did it. This is the first time I am home all day and seeing it, and seeing the disparities in responsibilities.

I thought my wife was beautiful and intelligent. She did a lot, an awful lot, in our early years to support us and support me. I was always afraid I would lose her, that she was too good for me. I have never miseed an up or down in her life, and have driven her to all doctor appointments for years.

This stuff is all, just.... True. God I'm tired.

I don't want to hate myself any more. I'm human, I weakened. I'm a good person. I'm a good dad, husband, worker, and team mate at work. I'm not chasing my wife any more and hoping that she stays.

What happens happens.

RDM