I am so, so, SO scared to go to therapy tomorrow.

A lot of my therapy consists of me and my T working on me feeling connected and safe and attached. It's a huge struggle. Just recently, I reached a point where I really felt those things. The problem is, once I feel safe, we start talking about the things that brought me to therapy in the first place - and they are bad, scary things that I've spent a LIFETIME working to avoid and not think about. So, we talked about it some on Wednesday but I was having a really hard time staying present and saying the things I wanted to say. I e-mailed him on Wednesday night and told him some things - things he already knew about, but more details. Just a FEW more details. Now, I'm literally sick about it. I don't want to go and face him. Really, I just want to quit therapy forever.

I KNOW, logically, that quitting therapy forever isn't the right thing to do. I'm thinking about just not showing up for my appointment, but if I don't go, I'm afraid it will make it too easy for me to not go the next time, and the next time, until I've sort of quit by default.

I don't know why I'm scared of going. He's always accepted me, and logically, I know he still will. And LOGICALLY, I get that these were things that were done TO me - but I feel so much guilt, and SHAME, and fear. I just don't want to face him. I don't want to face ME, or what's in my head. I just want it to never have happened - or, since that's not possible, I just want to be OVER it. I don't want to go deal with it.

Somebody help, please. I don't even know what I'm asking for. But I'm really scared. And upset. And confused.

I'm sorry