I would not want one of my kids in a relationship like this. I think about how I am normalizing this to them.

I have always carried insecurities that I wasn't good enough, so I have never felt like I could play relationship chicken. I always felt lucky to have her, and out of my legue.

In recent years, ANY expectation, or anything I call her on, is excused and deflected, all my faults pointed out, until she can say, "you cheated. You used to look at porn." Then her pain and right-ness is held up to see and Im apologizing and trying to get her back.

It's been important to me to accept her as she was, always, because she never had that in a narcissistic home, and recognize she is sick, and allowances have to be made. Again, things werent always to this degree, but boy they have slid there in the last few years. Progressively since 2012, and really bad since 2018 or so. Shes angry at me for something, and threatening to leave, or live seperate lives under the same roof very, very regularly.

Our oldest sees these things.

Less contact with my parents in recent years has meant far more emotional self reliance. It has also made my personal self reliance grow too.

Our oldest has said to me that he doesnt want a relationship like ours, "nothing against mom," he says, but he does want to be "rock solid" like his dad, he has said.

Since covid hit, my senior managers have told me that, though Im not a manager, they need me in a demonstrable leadership role, because I am influential and the other staff look to me for direction. I didn't know that.

At home, during covid, I saw how disparate the expectations are between her and I.

Then, I spent 2 nights downstairs, and I faced the "what if" fear of spliting up... Just quietly thought about it. Im still scared, but far less scared. Others have done it and they lived, so chances are I will too.

Seeing my own situation more clearly, growing in self reliance, hearing my son say this stuff, hearing my managers say they need me because of my leadership is changing things for me. Im ok. Im good enough to warrant some affection and desire. Im good enough not to have to constantly pursue. Im good enough not to beg for sex.

RDM