@RDMercer I am sorry you have been so unhappy in your marriage. It’s not easy to live with someone that has both mental health challenges and health challenges too.

If your wife did grow up with narcissistic parents she was taught that her emotional needs were a bad thing and a burden. Narcissists LIE and notoriously twist everything around faulting others. They are very hypocritical tell others what to do and casting judgements on others while they themselves are far from perfect. They can pretend to care, but they don’t instead it’s just part of their mask. Their motivation is about taking over and controlling. If you are not with them, you are against them. Borderlines can be the same way which is often why they typically make the best partners in the narcissist’s dance.

Just because your wife went no contact with her parents doesn’t mean she has rid herself of the damage she suffered.

Sometimes a person can be so crippled and damaged they become detached. The person can get so sensitive and their anxiety can get so crippling that they do less and less.

I cant jump on the band wagon and condemn your wife. It’s very possible that she suffers in a way that most don’t understand unless they themselves experience what your wife experiences.

I myself suffer from ptsd and it can get downright crippling. I have days where it’s so bad that just getting through the day is an accomplishment. If it’s that challenging it can be quite a feat to sit at a computer and try to write a college paper. Actually when I found this site and I would put in the effort to write out a post it took me a really long time. I was a lot worse than I am sure others realized at the time. Actually, looking back on that time and remember how badly I was suffering I am actually amazed at what I did manage to do.

Often the behavior you have shared isn’t so much that you are not good enough or even appreciated but more of an indication of how the other person is suffering and has so little sense of personal strength and they are deeply depressed about it.

It’s actually a positive that your wife spends time doing her art. It’s not a bad thing that she at least tries to take an online course. It’s very possible that the medication she is on takes away her sex drive.

What I can say is struggling with mental illness can really suck. And if you add also struggling with some kind of health challenge too? That can make it even harder. It sounds like your wife has just found her own way to just exist. I know i have experienced days myself where it was so bad that all my effort went into just getting through the day. If my husband sat next to me and rubbed my feet it was a big deal to me in just being able to feel something good. Or on the occasions he rubs my back often he brings so much relief because on bad days the level of stress and anxiety is so bad I can be in a lot of pain.

Some people can struggle with mental illness and still manage to work. I know that all to well myself. I know that if another person could some how jump in my body and experience what it’s like to be me and work anyway they would look at me very differently. I am sure they would say omg I can’t believe you manage to work with that kind of challenge.

Now, I am not trying to get you to feel guilty about how challenging it’s been for you to live with a person that has both mental health and some kind of physical health challenge. I believe it’s been very hard on you. Also I can see by what you share that you actually are trying to be sensitive and understanding. You seem very torn and at times suffer from some cognitive dissonance because of that. I too have been challenged that way and it’s hard.

I am also very sensitive to how you experienced being exposed to alcoholism in your past too. That’s a tough disease to deal with. That’s been a part of my life pretty much all my life. There is a lot of narcissism in that disease. There is a lot of denial in that disease as well as walking on egg shells. Some people actually get mean under the influence of alcohol and rage and say mean things. Personally, I want nothing to do with someone that is actively drinking. I don’t even want to hear the I will just limit how much I drink either. I already know that’s just an alcoholics line of denial. Binge alcoholics ALWAYS say that. I know the extra being the responsible one means. I am very familiar with the damage that disease causes. I carry that in me too. I respect the challenge and the effort one has to put in to staying sober. I do respect the challenge yet I also carry in me the trauma I suffered from dealing with someone who has that disease. It’s actually part of the ptsd I suffer from.

I guess I wanted to validate your challenge but also not just jump on the condemning of someone that may be suffering and managing their challenge where just getting through a day is a big challenge. I know that at times I don’t do all the things I used to do. I know some of that is connected to how my effort to do a lot of things was very disrespected and somehow never good enough. I do suffer from narcissistic abuse. It’s definitely part of my ptsd. So I can’t tell you your wife is a bad person. However I can understand how her overall condition can be hard to live with. She sounds very lost and that is what can happen with mental illness. Sometimes it really is a big deal to finish a paper for a college course. I do remember how I was struggling so badly that for me it was a big deal to just create a post here at PC. I have spent a great deal of time learning about that. I sat at my computer and would read and post and felt so lost and because it was so bad I remembered thinking about how bad I felt for anyone suffering like that.

I am sorry you are so challenged with a wife that clearly is suffering from mental and physical health challenges. I think you should reach out to a therapist who can help you with this challenge. Does your wife see a therapist?

Also how are your children dealing with their mother being challenged like this? Do you sit and talk to them to see how they are doing?