This may be long, so please bare with me.

My husband is a complex person. He has ADHD and learning disability issues. He has dealt with and deals with depression and anxiety. He has been on a number of meds in the past for treatment, but he treats his mental health issues today with marijuana. I do not protest, as it seems to really help and mellows him out. I am not against using marijuana, as long as it doesn't interfere with one's functioning in life.

He is loving and affectionate most of the time. However, he does have explosive anger issues, and he does exhibit and exercise abusive tactics when he explodes on me. I am fully aware of a multitude of abuse tactics, having been abused by many partners in the past, so I can easily identify the tactics and know that it's abusive.

Around our wedding time it was really bad, and I was thinking that I would have to leave him and quickly - despite just having been married. He was exploding on me frequently, and silently, I was planning my exit, which was going to take a while to accomplish.

Along the way, I have put my foot down every time this has occurred. I have drawn lines and boundaries. I have walked away. I have even driven away in my car. I have confronted him on every single occurrence where I feel he is exhibiting abuse tactics.

Things then improved for 6 months. It wasn't entirely smooth sailing during those 6 months, but I was no longer dealing with explosions and overt abuse tactics. I thought it was much better. And I got comfortable and happy again. I was hopeful.

The other morning it happened again, seemingly out of the blue, and after this nice respite for 6 months. He exploded on me over a HAIRBRUSH, of all things. Very minor, and a simple question I asked him set him off. No fault of mine, I know. He exploded. And we fought -- it got ugly. And once again, he pulled out the verbal and emotional/psychological abuse tactics.

Now once again, I am thinking of an exit plan. And our wedding anniversary is in a matter of days. I do not feel loving feelings towards him right now -- quite the opposite. I am viewing him as someone else - someone different than the loving person I've seen in the last six months - someone I don't even want to know or love.

I decided that IF this happens even just ONE MORE TIME, that I am giving him an ultimatum -- or rather, I will inform him that it's the LAST TIME he explodes on me, that he has a problem, and if he doesn't own up to it and get professional counseling, that I am leaving him and he will be facing yet another divorce. He was married once before.

I have put my foot down too many times. I did around our wedding and I told him this behavior is unacceptable behavior - I told him multiple times that I will NOT tolerate it. I sense that's why he was so good for those six months.

I also know him well enough to know that this happened the other morning in part because of mounting stress - the pandemic, his work stress, and his father is in the hospital once again with pneumonia. Stress, however, does not excuse his behavior.

And I know I will not tolerate this for years to come. No freaking way. I believe in being happy in life. I believe in having a healthy relationship dynamic. And if this toxic behavior is going to keep rearing its ugly head - even periodically - I am not dealing with it. I'd rather deal with loneliness and depression than his explosions and abuse. Though it would be really tough - and of course, I have some conflicted feelings. When things are good, they're truly great, and I feel very loving towards him, and very comfortable around him.

So I am now bracing myself and preparing myself emotionally for a potential exit. And I am putting on a big facade right now, which I do not like doing, but it's how I cope and manage. Our anniversary is around the corner. and I am going to put on a facade, in knowing that I have an ultimatum coming.

And a part of me feels somewhat hypocritical because I frequently tell women on here in similar situations to leave the abuse. And I do get it. It's not always so black and white and sometimes it's complicated, especially if there is love between you. But there comes a time, in ANY situation, where a line must be drawn. And I am drawing mine right now.

Love to me does not also include hatred and/or abuse. And that's what I get from him in these explosive episodes, is his hatred. He treats me in those moments as though he truly hates me. And I will not put up with that.

If you're going to comment, please, please go easy on me. Not looking for constructive criticism -- only supportive replies. And I am not leaving him now. I have my plan of action though and I may have to leave him. So I must prepare myself for this possibility. It's truly an awful position to be in.

Oh, and he won't go to couples or individual therapy right now -- so that type of suggestion is not needed. He doesn't even think he has a problem. Only if I threaten and follow through with divorce papers, where he feels he may truly lose me, do I believe he may actually go to therapy. And that's a BIG MAYBE. And at that point, I may not even care. I do not know.

I've already prepared the grounds for this ultimatum by telling him, "this cannot happen again. If it does, we are going to have a problem".