@RDMercer you really impress me with your dedication and how much you try to understand another person and have loved them despite the things they do that have hurt you.

You have learned about alcoholism and how that disease affected your father maybe both your parents and your parents faced their challenge and admitted they had a problem and got help. You were able to have a relationship with them and even love them despite the dysfunction you had to live with before they got help and learned how to live their lives differently.

It’s clear that you wanted to love your wife and when two different therapists mentioned your wife was being abusive towards you, you wanted to see if she could heal and love you. And yes other people can tell you she is a mean abusive person. Yet what you see is a very abused hurt person. You genuinely want to love your wife. You have been very committed to trying.

I also think you really wanted to find a way to be a good father and husband and take care of your family. It’s possible that is what you yourself wanted to experience that was disturbed and dysfunctional because of alcohol addiction.

This isn’t just about you, instead you really wanted to find a way to create something you did not have and wanted in your own family growing up. This isn’t just about but how you wanted that dream of having a healthy loving family and you have taken on everything to have that happen.

This is NOT an easy decision for you. Yeah, you made a mistake with the porn. You still carry guilt for that and your wife won’t let you forget it either. That porn wasnt about love either. It was just your effort to fill a need and a pretty normal need a sexual need because your wife was not there for you that way. You were not attracted to those women in that porn, you were attracted to your wife and she was not being receptive that way.

Your wife pretty much pushes you away. Her history of abuse and mental and physical illnesses have consumed her. Well, mental illness can be rather cruel that way. And alcoholism can also be cruel that way too. Both mental illness and alcoholism can consume people. In that respect it’s fair to say both those challenges contain a lot of narcissism and narcissistic behaviors. I know you have seen this. I also know you feel sorry for individuals that struggle like this. Me too! In fact I have experienced a lot of cognitive dissonance because of this.

It’s clear you don’t want to hurt anyone. And my guess is especially not your children. You are carrying a lot of weight with all of this. It’s not surprising you ARE so tired the way you describe. Your family IS dysfunctional and you have tried very hard to find some way to fix that. You cannot fix your wife.

I think what you are doing now is working on accepting that. I think that’s what you need a lot of support for. This accepting doesn’t mean you are not good enough. Actually that is how your wife controls you. I think you are beginning to recognize that too.

Question is, how do you move forward without hurting your children? If you break away you know it’s going to get ugly. You can’t even leave your wife for a short business trip. Your wife can’t really be there for your children either. The only way that works is if you are always there and your wife can be present and yet not really be present for her children. Your wife isn’t really present for your children either because she is pretty much consumed in her own world. Your wife pretty much lives in her own head. That’s how sick she is. Yes mental illness can get that bad.

Some people can struggle with ptsd and still function. And pretty much everyone who suffers if honest will admit that a bad trigger can cripple them for anywhere from an hour to an entire day to a few days. And everyone that has it if honest will admit they can struggle with anger. Actually I learned that a lot of alcoholics have ptsd and they used alcohol to self medicate to help them manage it. Also some who have ptsd and borderline personality disorder challenges have self Medicated with alcohol some have undiagnosed bipolar AND ptsd. Yes alcoholism is an umbrella condition that have a lot of other challenges hiding under that umbrella. The same is true for ptsd.

From what you share it sounds like your wife has ptsd so bad that she can barely function. That’s not something you can fix. Your wife is incapable of having a normal relationship with you or anyone for that matter. No one will be good enough for her. This is not a lack in you. This is what you need to accept. And that’s hard to do when you love someone. It’s ok to grieve that.