I think what may work is if he has a pre-planned course of action of how to manage his stress so he's not resorting to what he knows how to be. Maybe come up with a code word when you're noticing symptoms before an escalation until he's able to do so for himself. When he's stressed (and there's a lot of stress lately for all of us) maybe give him more release time to cope (walks, music, tokes, etc)? Hold the fort down until he's back at baseline.. then take your own break, somehow.

I think it's helpful to have a visual list of triggers to help him keep himself in-check with.. it'll stick to his brain better.. teach him a little bit about himself.. and understand where some of it is coming from. I'd even put this course of action onto paper or cell app? It'll give him accountability and maybe he'll notice how supportive you are to him and this marriage.

You're a good person and a good wife, and I enjoy reading your responses. I hope things will improve for you.. with or without him.