When my PTSD gets triggered, I physically shake. I cannot tell if it's fear or if it's anxiety. It's hard to discern the difference, but I think I was a bit fearful of his reply (ie, more anger directed at me?), and fearful/anxious that I would have to tell him goodbye.
When he does get angry and yells, my PTSD gets triggered and I shake. I know that's not a good sign or a healthy dynamic.
He did reply just now. I've made it 100% clear that if this happens again, we're going to have a serious problem, ie, I am leaving him. I hope he read in between the lines that that's what that means, but he apologized again, took ownership of the fight on Friday and claims it won't happen again. I have yet, however, to hear him acknowledge that he has explosive anger problems. He did not reply to that part of my text.
At least I drew the line and told him where I stand. That makes me feel a little better. He had no idea that i had been harboring these feelings over the last several days - at least now he knows he pushes me away whenever he does this to me. I told him he cannot treat me that way. Period. And that yes, it makes me distance myself from him.
So we'll see what happens. Ugh. What a way to enter into your wedding anniversary: with an ultimatum.
Mostly, I feel I can say whatever I feel to him, but I feel safer doing it via text and not in the heat of the moment. If it's in the heat of the moment, it doesn't work. And over text, it's just easier sometimes because then he can't get angry and start another fight.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"
~4 Non Blondes
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