@RDMercer I think you are finally allowing yourself to recognize there is really nothing you can do to have a functional relationship with your wife.

Actually you are the only adult in your home and your wife is not a partner but instead one of the children. You basically have four dependents and no partner to help you.

You have even shared how you needed to reach out to work collegues and friends to make sure you had value. Not only that but your wife guilt trips you whenever you have needs of your own.

I think this current challenge of social distancing has forced you to see important realities. It’s extra hard when your children are home and you see how you do and it’s harder to have your own space to work.

I believe you when you say that you can see how your family is all walking on egg shells around your wife. The fear you had of that dynamic your wife had in her family environment has happened.

This is very similar when a family has to deal with alcoholism in a parent. I think that is a kind of mental illness too. Actually that too leads to this lonely feeling of not having a true adult partner in a relationship. And also not really having a normal parent as that illness is also in control of the individual.

I bet where you are now is familiar. Wanting to love someone and have it be normal and having a mental illness challenge intrude on that.

Tell me do you privately ask yourself when do you ever get to actually feel happy? Do you ever ask yourself when you get to have your own feelings?

Do you feel you need to keep all these challenges you have shared private? That it’s somehow wrong to talk about it and that you need to figure it out yourself?
Isn’t that familiar to you?

Tell me do you want your children to end up feeling that way too? Well, I don’t know how old your children are but I think your children would benefit from some kind of family therapy.

What I hear from what you share is that both you and your wife have the same dynamic you experienced in your own family of origins. It’s not just your wife that created the same scenario is it?

What I hear in what you share of what you are experiencing is that you are a good guy that try’s very hard and yet suffers from “emotional neglect”. And when you do have your own needs you are shamed for it.

Do you carry all the weight for everyone else’s happiness except your own? Do you know what that is called? It’s called “codependent”. Do you want your children to be that way too? Does everyone have to put their own emotional needs aside so Mom can be happy and function in whatever way she can function?

Well you are 45 years old and you have learned how to navigate your life as a codependent. And you are finally TIRED. And for at least six years you battled with low self esteem. Well that tends to happen when struggling from emotional neglect. If you really sit and think about it the low self esteem you experience has been there longer than just that six years.

A partner is someone that can hear you. Not someone who hears you for their own selfish needs. Not someone who says “oh yes that is terrible and I am sorry, and then proceeds to go on and on about themselves. Actually, children tend to listen only to get their needs met. They don’t have the maturity to understand a partnership. Maturity teaches the give and take and respecting of boundaries and the emotional needs of others and how to be sensitive and respectful of that.

Your wife doesnt see you at all instead you were there to service HER needs. If someone says “I Just want someone to take care of me” BELIEVE them!

I think this was hard for you to reach out like this. You did the right thing, it’s a good start. You can’t go on carrying all this weight.

I believe your wife is suffering badly from metal illness and I think your wife may also have a personality disorder as well. I am not a professional but my gut is telling me there is more involved than the ptsd and physical challenges.

I know ptsd can get very crippling and even debilitating at times as I struggle with it myself. I am impressed at how much you try to understand it and empathize. Yet part of my challenge also comes from emotional neglect and carrying all the weight like you do as far as not having an adult healthy partnership.

I worry for you getting to a point where you get so hurt that you will begin to believe LOVE = HURT/TRAUMA. In all honesty I don’t think your wife is capable of loving you the way you deserve. I know that sucks when you want that so badly.

I think you need therapy and I also think your children should get therapy for this challenge. I am sure this relationship challenge you are having is confusing them. They deserve to be able to talk about it.