Is it you or him? Honest answer is both. You should not have married this guy in the first place. All you are to him is a sugar mama. You both have addiction problems. And you clearly must have low self esteem if you keep using whatever you are addicted to and you sabotage your work with your continuing to stay addicted. And you must not think much of yourself in the first place to marry such a loser who basically treats you like crap.

Ditch this loser and get sober and work on your self esteem issues so you don’t end up with losers like this.